What to do when you have been hurt by your partner?
There are times in our Relationships when we hurt each other.
We are all human and this happens to all of us. I’m not referring to massive hurts like infidelity (this is a much bigger topic and outside the realm of this blog). I’m talking about the hurts when things are said or done that perhaps weren’t meant, or weren’t thought through enough. Or those hurts caused through a partner’s lack of insight, judgment or consideration.
What do you do after the hurt?
Firstly if you can’t talk about it without it becoming an argument then you need to take some time to think about, and process, what has happened. Continously arguing or throwing around further insults only makes the situation worse, and often gives us more to clean up other than whatever it was that occurred in the first place. So if there is still too much heat in the topic then give it a day to cool off before trying to talk about it again. (And tell your partner that’s what you are doing, don’t just give the silent treatment! Say, “I just need a bit of time to think about this”).
Over these couple of days when you are processing it, there are some things that you can do to make it easier to work your way through this situation.
- Write about it, journal it out. This is a great way of venting, getting all the hurtful words out, to stop it going around and around in your head. Also once it’s down on paper you can often see it a bit differently. When you write it down, it forces you to get clarity on exactly what you are hurt about and exactly what you are feeling. This is really helpful when you go and talk to your partner about it later.
- Chatting to one of your unbiased friends – who you know won’t hold this against your partner forever – can be invaluable. Having someone who can let you vent, empathize with you, and maybe even help point out another way of viewing it can be extremely helpful. This is all about choosing the right friend though. You don’t want to choose a friend who is going to hold this against your partner forever. You want a friend who can listen and understand your point of view and hopefully even help you see it differently. I say this because in most arguments no one is 100% right. Sometimes having someone to help us see a different perspective or side to the argument can change everything and take the heat out of the situation. In the counselling room I am this person for many people. The person who can unbiasedly hear the story and then help move couples forward and maybe see a different way of looking at it. It can be so hard when something has deeply hurt us to our core, to take on the other person’s truth about the situation. We often think “You must have meant it”, if it hurts me so much or “how could you not think of me, you don’t care about me”. The pain we feel needs justification and usually our partners justification doesn’t hold up to the amount of pain we are experiencing. Sometimes our friends or therapists can help with this because they don’t envoke the same pain as our partner does when they are helping us work our way through it.
- Thirdly, do anything that helps ground you or find your centre. What do I mean by this? Our minds love a situation. It loves a good story and will take us off in a million directions, thinking about every single angle of the situation and every possible meaning we can take from this situation. This often just makes the situation worse. So anything that helps slow the mind and bring us back to the present moment in our body is unbelievably helpful. Will your mind like it? Nope – its got a great story to churn over and over, so it will be a challenge, but trust me this is so important and helpful for you. Try a 5 min mediation (the internet has thousands to choose from) this is an instant slow down for the mind. Yoga is an awesome practice to help take your awareness from your mind and into your body. By focusing on your breath and your body, it helps slow everything down and give us a renewed way of seeing things.
- Another helpful (but sounds funny) way of depersonalizing the situation is to imagine that a TV reporter was reporting on what has happened. This process invokes a third person point of view and helps take your personalization out of it and see it for what is actually happening. Eg. Reporters view: Jason went to the footy on Friday night and had too many drinks with his mates, he didn’t realize it would effect him so badly and it would interfere with the breakfast date he promised he would take his wife Michelle on the next day. Michelle was really looking forward to the breakfast with Jason and was disappointed when his drinking with his mates meant that he wasn’t in good shape for the breakfast date. Can you see how when you take your emotions out of it and depersonalize it then a resolution can be found easily? From this place – If Jason apologises and makes extra effort to find a baby sitter and take Michelle out for dinner (which is what she is actually mad about – missing out on time with Jason) then the situation can be resolved without it taking the whole weekend of arguing and potentially silent treatment.
In relationships it’s most helpful if you can make a commitment to resolve conflicts within 24 hrs. This means that both of you know that silent treatments, further arguing, not talking about it etc. should not go on for more than 24 hrs. If it goes on for longer than this then it’s like a snowball that has the potential to turn into an avalanche. It just keeps growing and growing.
The exception to this is with big hurts or arguments that have too much heat in them. Then you need to wait until you can talk about it camly and this might take more than 24 hrs. If you start a conversation harshly it will end up in an argument almost 100% of the time, so if you can’t talk about it calmly, wait until you can.
If you can’t get to a point where you can talk about it calmly, then I urge you to engage in the use of a Counsellor. Sometimes it only takes one session to be able to see things differently or be able to vent and purge all the hurt and pain, then you can start to process and heal what has happened. The sooner you engage help the better, I can’t recommend it enough.
So the things to take from this blog are:
- Talk about and resolve arguments within 24hrs if you can.
- If you can’t talk about it calmly then give yourself time to process what has happened and tell your partner that this is what you are doing.
- Journal/write out what has happened and what you are thinking and feeling about it.
- Talk to someone. A trusted friend or counselor can be your greatest assest in these times.
- Ground yourself and slow down your thinking. Meditation and yoga can help enormously.
- Write down what a reporter would say about this event (not from your side, but if they were watching it unfold from afar). Try and depersonalize it and get a balanced perspective.
- Believe what your partner is saying. If they are saying they didn’t mean it the way you have interpreted it, then you need to let your version go because it isn’t the truth.
- Don’t be afraid to get counselling, just one session can make a big difference.
Good luck!
I hope this help, truly I hope it does,
Bec XX
