I had a brave mumma send me through a question yesterday which she was hoping I could answer for her.
She is 30 years old married and has a 6 month old baby, she has noticed a decreased in affection, sex and intimacy with her husband since the bubba has come along. She has put on some weight post baby and is missing the affection from hubby – she wants to know what I would advise.
Ok so I am hoping to provide some insight and helpful things to think about from this scenario, but obviously I don’t know the whole story so I’ll try my best.
Firstly, the first year following the birth of a baby can be one of the most challenging of your life. It comes with bucket loads of rewards but often the unspoken costs of the first year are the toll it can have on your relationship. Babies take up a lot of time, cause us sleep deprivation and usually we get down to one income for a while – so there are many challenges that couples negotiate in the first year. So mumma firstly I want you to take a breath and give yourself a moment of thanks for the great job you are doing 6 months into your first year of motherhood. The fact that you are feeling like sex again and are committed to making things better in your relationship is great and a sign that you really want this to work out.
The first thing that I would suggest is to try and talk about it. Take time when you are feeling less emotional about this topic and feel you can have a neutral conversation about it with your hubby. Let him know that you have noticed that the affection has dropped off and ask him if he has noticed it and what he thinks about it. We want to start a conversation not an argument so that’s the tack we need to take. People usually get defensive if we come at them too heated or attackingly and then its pointless – it will just wind up in an argument. This step might seem obvious, but If you came to counselling this is how the session would start; I would ask you what’s going on for you and ask your partner what he thinks about it and go from there.
Something that may be very helpful for you to understand, in terms of what might be at play here, is the 5 love languages. This is a well known psychological theory developed by The wonderful Dr Gary Chapman.
So let me give you the quickest run down ever so you can get it and apply it today. Basically, unless we’ve encountered these ideas before, we usually think that the way that we show and express love is the same as everyone else. We don’t think about it too much most of the time and often we aren’t conscious of the way we show love. But through much research Dr Chapman has discovered that we all show, express and receive love in different ways. There are some common patterns, but the specific methods are different. So, the way I might show that I love you is different to the way you would show love to me.
The five love languages are:
- Acts of service: acts of service people show love by doing – they cook dinner, mow the lawns clean the house, do your washing – all as a way of showing their love.
- Quality time: quality time people show love by giving you their time. You know those people who are always up for a chat, who would happily sit and chat with you about anything, who are interested in what is going on in your life and take the time to listen. They love spending time together whether it’s sitting together watching TV, going for a walk or just being home together and spending time with the kids – the time together is how they feel loved.
- Words of Affirmation: these people love to hear in words that you love them or that they look great, or they have done an awesome job, or they like praise about a dinner that you loved – words is what makes them feel loved.
- Physical Touch: these people like to give and receive love through physical contact with other people. They love to hold hands, back rubs, physical closeness. So often men whose love language is physical touch get mistaken as just wanting sex. So often you hear women say “we have a massive fight and then 5 minutes later he is wanting sex- I just don’t get it”. Well, if his love language is Physical touch then the way he shows love to you and wants to feel connected to you may be through touch – however if you are a quality time person then you need time – you can’t just have sex. So you can start to see where the conflict can arise – one partner who is physical touch tries in the way they know how to express love, to make things ok. But if their partner is quality time then they take this advance as almost an insult and it causes further conflict. The partner who was trying to connect with sexual closeness feels rejected and hurt and backs away feeling misunderstood. Then the quality time partner feels like their partner doesn’t get them and just wants them for sex. If couples never work this out you can see how people break up. And it’s such a shame because both people are trying their hardest with what they know to do to fix the situation.
- Gifts: people whose love language is gifts just love it when they get given something, flowers, a card, a piece of surprise chocolate in their lunch box – anything that reminds them that you care enough to think about them and find something meaningful to express that. So for people who are gifts, giving them a bunch of flowers can change everything. However if you’re not gifts – say you give a bunch of flowers to a quality time person – you might get the response “why did you waste you money?” Then the person who bought the flowers (often someone who likes gifts themselves) gets hurt and rejected because it’s the way they understand how to give love. Also if you’re not a gifts person, and you have a partner who is gifts, and you never give them gifts then over time they feel uncared for and unloved and you can fight about how you never give them anything. Then the fight becomes about them wanting presents when what they actually want is for you to show them that you love them in a way they understand.
Dr Chapman says that we each have a primary and secondary love language. However I think we probably have them all on a spectrum. For example, I would be:
Acts of service 50%
Physical touch 30%
Quality time 20%
Words of Affirmation 20%
Gifts 10%
You know I’m never one to shy away from a gift! But I would take mowed lawns and a cooked dinner – followed by some cuddles over a bunch of flowers any day.
However some people would take gifts over all of that and happy to come home to no dinner and a messy house if there was a bunch of flowers waiting for them.
So to help make this clearer let me give you a personal example of how this played out for Simon and many years ago before we learnt about the love languages.
I am an ICU nurse by trade and an acts of service girl. I will do do do do do and do for you if I love you. So when Simon gets home from work, I have thought about something yummy for dinner, it will be cooking on the stove, house will be cleaned, kids will be sorted any job that I think will make his life easier will be done.
However his primary love language is Quality time, so when I come home from a busy ICU shift – and nothing has been taken out of the freezer for dinner – he hasn’t even thought about it, the house is disheveled, but the kids are happy and have had fun with dad laying around on the couch reading books. It’s pretty easy for an acts of service girl to start thinking, “he doesn’t give a shit, he doesn’t care about me, hasn’t even thought about dinner” and I start to feel unloved and cross. I would go and get showered and he would come and talk to me, “How was your day? What sort of patient did you have today?” This is classic quality time. He’s giving me all his love in the way he knows. But acts of service girl is thinking “why don’t you fuck off and go and get dinner sorted” so her responses are short sharp and not so shiny because she feels uncared for. Simon doesn’t get any quality time responses from me because I feel hurt. Then he feels hurt and confused as to why I am cross and it’s a down hill battle from there. So you can see from this example how partners can have the best intentions and try every thing they know from their love language to try and make the situation better. But they often miss the mark and if you never work this out, people give up and relationships end. People often do try soooo hard and feel sooooo misunderstood.
So often working this out for couples bring instant understanding and relief, “that’s EXACTLY what happens to us!”
So, now that i’ve explained the theory, let’s get back to your scenario.
What might be at play here in your relationship is a mismatch of love languages It sounds like one of your love languages is physical touch and your partner’s might be different to this. Quite commonly men can have acts of service as one of their love languages – hence going to work and earning the money and providing for his family for him means he is showing he loves you. Sometimes just understanding each others love language changes everything. Before people understand this, it can be just fluke that they are making each other feel loved. Or they might share one of the same love languages, so in one area its great, but lacking greatly in another area.
I would suggest visiting www.the5lovelanguages.com and both of you doing the quiz to see what your love languages are, and then have a discussion about what you need from each other to help you feel loved.
Finally (I hope I haven’t bogged you down with too much information) I want to mention the weight gain that you’ve mentioned. I guess the first question I would have for you is how do you feel about your weight gain? This is by far the most important question. You are in the initial first few months of motherhood, you are time poor, probably sleep deprived, and the last thing you need is added pressure to be other than exactly how you are. If your weight gain is concerning you and you would like to start to start getting back to your previous weight or routine, then I would encourage you to do whatever you can that makes you feel good and moves your body. One of the best things we can do to ward off depression and low moods is to exercise and release endorphins which have an amazing effect on how we feel.
Sometimes in relationships it can be a difficult topic to broach if one partner has gained weight because we know we should love each other unconditionally. However I think there is a bigger picture conversation that can get missed here – which involves core values. For some people having and showing self respect and maintaining good health is something they value highly. So sometimes it’s not exactly about the weight gain, it’s about the conflict of core values. If you are a couple that share these values then it’s important to talk about those and work out as a team how you can get back on track.
So I hope that all makes sense!
So firstly try and have a conversation about how you are feeling and how your partner is feeling.
Secondly – learn about the love languages and have a chat about them and what you need from each other.
Thirdly – how do you feel about your weight gain and what would you like to do about it? (nothing at the moment might be a fine option too)
If being healthy and demonstrating self respect is part of your core values then make sure you are lining up with them whenever you can.
Incorporate some exercise for all the benefits for your mind, body and spirit.
Lastly – big hugs to you lovely mumma, go easy on yourself, be gentle, you are doing an amazing job, growing and raising a human is an extraordinary feat!
I hope this helps – truly I hope it does,
Bec XXX
If you or anyone else would like to book an appointment with Bec – book online here.
